Sunday, August 24, 2008

final respects

This morning we went to the house to say goodbye. Immediately following the fire, we so shell shocked it was hard to grasp the loss, then with the nightmare of the insurance claim it was as if the house with our destroyed possessions was completely frozen in time… now, though, with things moving forward, changing… with major demo slated for this week, both M and I felt moved to go back, take one last look and say goodbye to the home we fell in love with two and a half years ago and made our own... we needed a chance to grieve the physical representations of the life we had built together.

The masonry walls of the exterior weren't affected by the fire and, as such, disguise the destruction within. Even knowing what to expect, it's overwhelming for us to walk inside. The putrid smell of burnt remains is worse than ever and the demolition crew has unearthed from the rubble things we suspected were gone but hadn’t seen since the fire… photos, old sheet music, birthday cards. Our piano had been covered with a tarp by the firemen initially, but suffered too much water damage to be saved. For the past nine months- through rain storms, freezing temperatures and the heat of July it's been under that tarp, where it's been conveniently masked out of sight. Today we both gasped to see the piano lying turned over on its back on a pile of debris, the pedals broken and rusted… It's very difficult to explain the pain of seeing that... it's an inanimate object but one that holds so much personal significance, has brought hours of joy and comfort and music to our lives.... looking so very neglected, and uncared for, no life left to it..... slated to be thrown in the same dumpster as burnt framing, soggy insulation and other dear pocessions that can now only really be called garbage.

We know there are better times ahead, new memories to be made in a new house… but even with the optimism we have to be moving forward (finally) with rebuilding, today we felt again painful sense of loss that I suppose will never completely go away. Today we're letting those feelings make their way through us. Tuesday will be big demo and I think that too will be tinged with a bit of sadness. Goodbye piano. Goodbye house. You were so good to us and we cared for you as best we could. We never imagined parting like this and we'll remember the joys we shared here, even as we rebuild and celebrate the making of new memories.

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