Friday, July 17, 2009

Feeling blue

Again I've let a terrible amount of time go between posts. I'll cut right to it- two weeks ago I found out that I have a pituitary tumor. The good news is that these are almost always benign. The bad news is that they grow and start messing around with your hormones and impairing your vision. Needless to say I'm still reeling from the news. The past few weeks have been blood work and and MRI and this past week consults with two different neurosurgeons. Yesterday I called to schedule my surgery which will be August 5th- about three weeks from now.

Even though the surgery is straightforward (as far a brain surgery goes), I'm still really scared. And while I hate being like this, I sometimes feel like calling "mercy"- to whomever is calling the shots because I feel like I've done a pretty good job of generally holding it together through the difficult times this past year... and now this. After the fire, really until we moved back home, I felt so distant from "normal" life... like on a completely different plain of existence than everyone else just going about their business. Being present for my father's final days and losing him.... it was maybe even more so- just so detached from the life that everyone else was living. I was just beginning to feel like I could emerge from that space back into the 'real world' when I got the news of this.

I can't really group any of these things together. They all feel so different but that feeling on the outside of life, looking in (or maybe the other way around) is similar. I happened upon a quote the other day, "life's beauty is bound to its fragility" and that resonated strongly with me.

I feel out of sorts... I think I will until the surgery is over. To cope, I've promised myself lots of gardening and lots of yoga. Today I bought delphiniums and hydrangeas to plant. Gardening is wonderful work- it's artistic, it's exhausting, it's rewarding.. but behind it all is a connection to life and that delicate balance between what one can control and what one can't. There's beauty in that balance. Yoga is similar. It's about accepting what "is" and living within it.

Life hasn't been so easy lately, but life is beautiful. I am profoundly lucky in so many ways and I know I'll get through this next challenge... but wanted to explain why I've been and will be absent from here for a while.


  1. Julia,
    What an incredibly difficult year and a half you've had. For that I am so sorry. Having followed your blog for a while now I am constantly amazed by your strength of character and your sense of perspective. Your positive energy radiates on these pages. I have no doubt that you will shine right on through this, and then get back to all that makes you happy. You (and M. and your Mom) will be in my thoughts and prayers over the next several weeks. You are strong. Never forget your power....
    your friend,

  2. Oh Julia, you must have those moments when you scream "ENOUGH!!"......and then you get down to the business of sorting things out. I think you are an amazing old soul in a beautiful, young body. I don't need to tell you to put things in perspective because you already have. Gardening is a perfect way to pass the days and you will be in my prayers daily.

  3. Oh Julia, life is so fragile. You are not alone. Share with us and we will help in any way we can. Hang out in your beautiful garden and garner strength from it. You sound like a very brave, strong soul. You can do this. A-M xx

  4. Dear Julia,

    Please know that I am here for you. Even if all I can do is visit you here, read about what you are feeling and tell you that you have been heard and understood. I will be thinking of you and praying for you as you make your way through this incredibly difficult and emotional time.

    xo xo

  5. Julia, It is always a little awkward, but also an honor, to get a peek into such a personal part of someone's life.(someone we don't actually know) I am so sorry for the loss of your father and of your house, but more so, am so impressed by your attitude and perspective on life. You are clearly a very talented woman with a strong spirit and I am so happy to have discovered your blog! Your new home is just lovely and your choice of flowers could not be more beautiful.I wish you well and will be praying for you during this very difficult time in your life.

  6. I will be praying for you! I had a friend who had the same exact thing and that was a long time ago and she's fine today. I'm sure you don't really want to hear all the stories people have, but I just wanted to tell you that she pulled through very easily and is well, healthy, and wonderful. I know you will be too. Good luck and I'll be praying for an easy recovery.

  7. Julia, what an unbelievably difficult two years you have had – that you have the strength and grace to share it with all of us is amazing. I am just awed by how you are able to turn a devastating fire into such a hopeful blog (and such a beautiful home!) - I will be thinking of you and your family and I wish you a speedy recovery.

  8. Julia,
    I have been anonymously stalking your blog and beautiful home. I want to tell you how much I love everything you have done but decorating talk seems so trite at this moment. You've been through enough already! My prayers are with you...Janet (no longer anon.)

  9. Hi Julia, I haven't been following your blog and dropped in from The House That A-M Built. I have just finished reading about Charlie Teo an Australian neurosurgeon and how amazing that breed are. I'm sure you are in good hands and in not too long will be regaling us with tales of your days. Mum told my husband when we were first married that if I had a problem for him to send me out into the garden to pull some weeds or plant some flowers - very therapeutic. I will come and visit you again soon and in the meantime you are in my prayers. Stay strong. Jennifer

  10. Hi Julia: I have been reading your blog for months now, and had to post a comment after reading your latest entry. You have shown such strength, grace and a positive attitude. I have no doubt that you will attack this head on with those attributes. I, along with so many others, will keep you and your family, in our prayers in the coming weeks. C.

  11. Dear Julia,
    I’ve recently discovered your blog and have found the light and beauty of your heart and home very inspiring. I believe your resolve and graciousness will pull you through this new challenge. Your last two years have posed great hardships but I think it’s often through hardship that we are given the gift of strength and resilience. I’m sending happy, healing thoughts to you. Trina

  12. Julia,

    My heart goes out to you; be strong! I have followed your blog, and know that you have tremendous inner strength; it will continue to serve you well. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Beth

  13. Julia, I am so sorry to hear your news. As I was reading it, all I could think was "she does not deserve this" after all you have just been through.
    All we can do is pray that the surgery works and be thankful that they found the tumor. I hope it is successful but it is a lot of worry and you don't need more of that. Life is so very hard sometimes. I hope this storm will pass for you, and to try not to spend too much time asking "why me?" Why not you? Why not any of us? It is just crazy luck that we get through life each day. So many people die in car accidents, crazy stuff. Let's just pray that this is just another small obstacle and that it will be over soon. Thinking of you,

    xo Terri

  14. Julia,
    I read this post a few days ago and had to think about it. Actually, I could not believe this has happened to you. You have been through so much, and you've managed all difficulties with such dignity and elegance. I know you can get through this as well. You are in my thoughts. Keep us posted.