Again I've let a terrible amount of time go between posts. I'll cut right to it- two weeks ago I found out that I have a pituitary tumor. The good news is that these are almost always benign. The bad news is that they grow and start messing around with your hormones and impairing your vision. Needless to say I'm still reeling from the news. The past few weeks have been blood work and and MRI and this past week consults with two different neurosurgeons. Yesterday I called to schedule my surgery which will be August 5th- about three weeks from now.
Even though the surgery is straightforward (as far a brain surgery goes), I'm still really scared. And while I hate being like this, I sometimes feel like calling "mercy"- to whomever is calling the shots because I feel like I've done a pretty good job of generally holding it together through the difficult times this past year... and now this. After the fire, really until we moved back home, I felt so distant from "normal" life... like on a completely different plain of existence than everyone else just going about their business. Being present for my father's final days and losing him.... it was maybe even more so- just so detached from the life that everyone else was living. I was just beginning to feel like I could emerge from that space back into the 'real world' when I got the news of this.
I can't really group any of these things together. They all feel so different but that feeling on the outside of life, looking in (or maybe the other way around) is similar. I happened upon a quote the other day, "life's beauty is bound to its fragility" and that resonated strongly with me.
I feel out of sorts... I think I will until the surgery is over. To cope, I've promised myself lots of gardening and lots of yoga. Today I bought delphiniums and hydrangeas to plant. Gardening is wonderful work- it's artistic, it's exhausting, it's rewarding.. but behind it all is a connection to life and that delicate balance between what one can control and what one can't. There's beauty in that balance. Yoga is similar. It's about accepting what "is" and living within it.
Life hasn't been so easy lately, but life is beautiful. I am profoundly lucky in so many ways and I know I'll get through this next challenge... but wanted to explain why I've been and will be absent from here for a while.